From Jesse Thorn, America’s Radio Sweetheart, comes an article about British comedy as phatic discourse (via maximumfun.org).
Phatic discourse is conversation that is, essentially, meaningless. It is the things that people say when they have nothing to say. It is a grab bag of stock phrases, the conversational equivalent of the photo that came in the photo frame when you bought it. It is something to look at, but it holds no value or meaning. To some it is the stuff of social lubrication, the things we say to get a conversation started or to those we do not yet know. It is rote politeness, automatic pleasantness. It is middle school aged boys quoting Monty Python incessantly. It is men talking about the box score.
And it is one of my biggest turnoffs.
I sympathize with people’s need to find a comfortable way to confront new people and new situations, but I tire so quickly of answering phatic, rhetorical questions. I am utterly disgusted by the cocktail party litany of “How are you”s and “What do you do”s. I can say that my favorite people are those who open with something brash, something honest, or just something genuine.
How to do this though? I tend to open by sharing something, either something about myself if appropriate, or something interesting I have recently read or seen. By sharing something up front you help the other person avoid the need to ask a question. And you get a chance to pick a topic more interesting than how you earn your money or how you know the host of the party.
Try it at your next social event. A thought experiment. See how many times you can avoid “How are you” and “What do you do”. See if you can make the party and its conversation better by helping people to realize they have more in common than the phatic. And try too to listen and show interest and even to care about the people you are meeting. People have a way of becoming social furniture when the conversation centers around phatic topics. Humanize the conversation and live in the world with the people around you. It makes us all so much happier and so much less lonely.
